Set Me Free
Funny this is what is supposed to be the happiest time of my life but it seems like it's been a while since I have smiled whole heartily. The training for IMAZ seems to loom over my head. For CDA I trained pretty hard. A lot of it was with Tim and when it wasn't I was just getting a leg up for the next time we rode. Remember I had to drop him to get the ring I'm wearing. I thought I was ready to train again but mentally I haven't been in the game. I didn't know how much breakdown comes after race day. On most days my training seems listless. My head is in another place and frankly so is my body. Instead of pulling watts out, I'm pulling my hair out. I used to say that I ate hills for breakfast but now my mental image is that of me chewing my finger nails. I don't like this feeling of fretting. It doesn't agree with me. I used to think about dropping boys but last night I gave serious thought to dropping out. I do triathlons because they are fun. I realize it's not meant to be easy but if I'm not having fun....it's time for a break. This used to be fun for me but with my left foot rebelling I'm limited in my running. Trying to "make up" for not running by swimming and biking more has taken all of my free time and burned me out. I feel like the joy of my wedding preparations is being overshadowed by "training". I don't think this is a healthy way to live or a healthy way to start a marriage. I know something has to change. I know I am the only one who can change things. Time flies and my wedding will come and go and I don't want to miss out on the funny fretting about getting in my miles. I talked to Tim about this last night. I suggested I give up on IMAZ and focus on the getting healthy fixing my foot and preventing any thing else from going. We talked about this and came to the conclusion that I just needed a break from the pressure of committing to a training plan and scheduled workouts. So I am officially "not training" until after my wedding ;) Not that I will be sitting around eating bons bons but I just can't handle a spelled out training plan interfering with moments of my life that I'll never have a chance to do over again. For now I'll be working on the "craft" of riding my bike, swimming, and when healed running without the pressure of feeling bad about not logging the miles.